Learning to Believe
It’s strange.
Recently I’ve been thinking about my employment status. It’s
quite complex really because I constantly consider myself as unemployed, but I
still have been working as a paid musician.
So why don’t I consider myself a musician?
There are a few factors really.
I suppose firstly I’m still holding onto the fact that I
studied for a lot of years to do something other than music. Music has always
been my love and something that has been a huge part of my life but I never
ever considered I might be able to make anything of it. So I've spent a lot of
years planning the career I thought I'd have, I wanted to work with children,
particularly children with special needs. So I suppose it’s hard to let go of
that idea, even if it’s a pretty impossible dream in the current climate.
Secondly there’s the “what ifs”. What if this doesn’t work
out and I never manage to get into a ‘career’ later on? What if we can’t make
enough money to live? What if the pressure is too much?
Thirdly, and mainly, there’s the fear.
I am terrified. Terrified of failing. Terrified of
rejection. To put it plainly terrified of not being good enough. But why am I
so scared?
I do get stage fright, but no more than any other person.
And I've had my fair share of **** ups. There’s the time I forgot every single
word to my first song on stage and sang a string of what can only be described
as gibberish mixed with random words that quite possibly culminated into a
beautiful love song about the duck billed platypus.
There was the time my wig almost fell off on stage in front
of 500 odd people.
Or the time I started a gig at a care home for people with Alzheimer’s
with the now immortal phrase “Who remembers the 50’s!!”
Not one of my finest moments....
But I know I can blag the bad times.
As for rejection... oh boy have I been rejected. Each time
it feels like the worst pain I could ever go through. I never thought I’d
survive, yet somehow each time I have. And each time I've come out that little
bit stronger and more prepared to fight.
So I guess it comes down to not being good enough. That’s
the one big thing holding me back. I constantly think that I’m not good enough,
I don’t play well enough, don’t sing well enough. I’m not pretty enough, not
slender enough, no-one will ever want to work with me.
There is nothing more terrifying than throwing yourself out
there to be judged and it is something that I am no good at.
But maybe I need to learn to believe in myself. Maybe that’s
why I have to wear the red lipstick.
It’s that self-belief. Because – let’s face it – if I don’t believe in myself
who else is going to? I've got to get rid of that little voice telling how
useless I am and start channeling my red lipstick voice.
I've got to believe I can do this.
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