Rules for Dating a Musician - A Rebuttal

Day 21

So this has been doing the rounds on facebook a lot lately and every time it does it makes my blood boil. So I have prepared a short counter-argument to the so-called "Rules for Dating a Musician". 

(authors note: this in no way reflects the relationship of Mr P and I, we are the exception that proves the rule... this rebuttal is aimed solely at whatever douchebag wrote this)

The original rules

Spoken as a musician, and as the wife of a musician

1.       DON’T TRY TO BE BAND MANAGER. STAY OUT OF THE BUSINESS SIDE OF THINGS

Darling I come to your gigs for the booze – why would I want to get involved with the business stuff?

2.       DON’T ASK BANDMATES FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Why the hell would I ask your bandmates for relationship advice? Musicians are horrible at relationships... do I look that dumb?

3.       IT IS NOT MANDATORY THAT YOU ARE AT EVERY GIG

Err... yes too right it’s not mandatory I’m at every gig. Remember that the next time you’re sulking because I’d rather spend the night on the sofa in my pj’s than stand in some smelly sweaty gig venue drinking over-priced wine watching other people fawn over you.

4.       DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN YOUR SPECIAL DAY GETS CANCELLED BECAUSE A GIG HAS BEEN BOOKED

Ok, let’s get something straight here. Relationships are two way streets. We would not be together if you didn’t want it as well as me. So no, I won’t complain, however don’t be surprised when I expect you to make it up to me at a later date. Yes I am aware that it’s work and not your fault... ‘Special days’ are supposed to be something you do because you want to make the other person happy, not chores.

5.       DO NOT GET JEALOUS WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND TALKS TO GROUPIES. THEY ARE THE ONES BUYING THE MERCH AND PAYING TO GET IN THE DOOR. LET THEM HAVE THEIR MOMENT.

No I won’t get jealous. I understand that fans are a big part of the job. However, that is exactly what it is. The second that starts impacting on our home life, if you even think of contacting other girls outside of office hours – well then we’re going to have a problem. One moment, then you come home to me – got it?

6.       BABIES DON’T MAKE GUYS QUIT BANDS

Ok, firstly.... just, wow.... really? Ego much? Well, getting over the sheer arrogance of that one (I mean obviously I am just so desperate to be with you that I will deliberately sabotage myself just to cherish a crying, pooping, needy part of you for the rest of my life) then let me just say this. I would like to think that if we are having a child together it will be a joint adult decision. Whilst you will not be expected to give up gigging I will expect commitment, joint responsibility and a reasonable amount of time off.  If you are out there earning as much as Mick Jagger then get gone by all means. However, if – like many musicians – some of your gigs are for beer and fuel money then I will expect you to turn the odd one down in favour of helping me out or taking over the childcare while I bring in some money.  It’s called being an adult – man up. You never know you might get some good songs out of it one day.

7.       DON’T GO ON TOUR WITH THE BAND, IT IS HARD ENOUGH TO FUND A TOUR AND YOU’LL JUST BE AN EXTRA MOUTH TO FEED.

Why would I want to follow a bunch of smelly men around on tour? I have a life!

8.       DON’T FOLLOW HIM/HER AROUND AROUND AT A SHOW WHEN HE/SHE IS NETWORKING/ TALKING BUSINESS.

Don’t expect to be able to drag me around whilst you’re networking just because I look good in a push up bra.

9.       DO NOT SHOW UP AT PRACTISE UNLESS INVITED

If you’re at band practise I expect you to be working. The only reason I would come along would be if it was going to be fun.

1     DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERYBODY LOVES YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIENDS BAND

Strangely enough I do have other topics of conversation than your band. Mind-blowing I know.

      DON’T MAKE OUT WITH ANOTHER BAND MEMBERS GIRLFRIEND AT THE BAR – SAVE IT FOR THE AFTER PARTY

Ok... just.... wow, dude – seriously? Are you confusing me with one of those websites again?

      DON’T TURN YOURSELF INTO A WALKING BILLBOARD, THE SHIRT IS FINE BUT THE HAT AND STICKER ON YOUR ASS IS TOO MUCH

Again, I’m here for the booze. I’m very proud of you – and will big you up to anyone who asks – but if you think I’m putting one of those merchandisey things on over my pretty dress then you have another think coming.

       IF YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND CALLS WHILE ON THE ROAD DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT WHEN THEY’RE COMING HOME

Fair enough – but ­respect that being left alone all the time kind of sucks. So when you do call have the courtesy to call at a decent time when you can actually devote 5 minutes to the conversation. That means no phone calls while you’re surrounded by your band mates and want to sound “cool”, and definitely no phone calls when you’re smashed in a random bar somewhere. I don’t need to hear those parts of being on tour ok? If you want this to work, find the time.

     NEVER START A FIGHT BEFORE SHOW TIME, IT CAN WAIT TILL THE NEXT DAY

Look, sometimes we’ll fight. And yes, sometimes it’ll be at show time. Sh*t happens. But that’s not my problem. If you’re not professional enough to put your own personal feelings to one side and put on a good show anyway then you’re in the wrong business. You’re an entertainer, entertain. Or just don’t annoy me at showtime. Your choice. And yes, this one is actually from personal experience. 

      IF THE BAND HAS AN OUT OF TOWN GIG DO NOT COME ALONG TO HAVE ALONE TIME. THIS IS WORK, NOT A VACATION

Again, fair enough, but then you also need to treat it as work. If you’re constantly drunk on stage, flirting with groupies, throwing strops and generally behaving badly then it does not count as work. Be professional and I will respect your profession. Behave like a 2 year old Elizabeth Taylor and I’m afraid you’re fair game.

Addendum – Yes I understand that your job is important and I will fully support it but understand one thing. I am not a fan, I’m not a groupie, I am the person you chose to be with and just as I am constantly adapting and compromising for you, you’ll also have to do it for me if you want to stay together. Then we’ll get along just fine.

Mrs P

X x x x x x x x x x